Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I want a musical about memes.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
