I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
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