mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
