Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
