i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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