When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
someone owes me an orgasm
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
