I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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