He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
