Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
