Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
