i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
