Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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