I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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