There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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