Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
