remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
