Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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