nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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