We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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