There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
