I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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