if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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