I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
