at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
