I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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