Cold hands, warm shart.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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