i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
