Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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