i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
