non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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