Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i think i have two assholes
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize