Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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