dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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