I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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