I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
