i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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