no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
