hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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