It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
