yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
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this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
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I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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