Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
