I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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