wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Damn victory sex feels great
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
