she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My dick has a subreddit
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You're a disaster
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