someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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