Whod you bang
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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