i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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