Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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