Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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