I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
