After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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