You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
