Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
