Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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