dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
