what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
