GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
