i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
