Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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