I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
