I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
