if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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